It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the days, weeks and years go by. It’s hard to believe that it’s already 2022, and late January at that! Wasn’t it just New Year’s Day a week ago? Weren’t we all talking about our hopes and intentions and just feeling that new beginning energy?
Are you still?
I am! Maybe I'm a little slow, but I still feel that New Year hope and yet, I’m stunned that it’s January 30th!
Aside from all wonder and hope of new intentions, I’m also in state of reflection. For the last several years, I’ve had a word for the year. I stir on it for a bit and then establish what is the word that represents my hopes and intentions for the year to come. It normally is right there, top of mind, clear and in my knowing of what I'm intending, but this year wasn't so clear. I’ve only just now settled on my word for 2022.
I gave up resolutions years ago. Like many, I found them to be great for a few weeks, but then I’d get back into a familiar groove and most (not all) would fall to the wayside. However, choosing a word for the year has always helped me to consider the various chapters of life or stages of my own evolution as I’m making my own way through the year, start to finish.
In determining my word for the year, of course, I spent the last several weeks batting a few words around, and not just these few weeks of 2022, but a few weeks in 2021 also. Most of the words that I considered are similar to words I’ve chosen in other years, such as health, focus, abundance, love, or healing, but what I’ve landed on for this year, even though we are (already!) at the end of January, is Balance. It’s the word that encompasses a few of the intentions that I’m hopeful to make sound for this year such as focus, consistency, writing, and self-care.
I’m betting I’m not the only one that’s not been too great at saying no, and honestly, I’ve never really seen it as a fault. I still don’t. I am energized and have a sense of fulfillment and purpose when I look at my full calendar, feel the bustle of a full day, and in return, check the many check marks on my to do list. However, in the last couple of years I’ve really caught myself with a particular thought that has been in place for too many years. And recently, my soul has tuned in a bit more and I’ve heard/caught myself saying it out loud to others.
“I take on too much.”
Anytime you add the word “too” I think there is an emphasis. Anytime there is an emphasis, it may men to pay a bit more attention...
All that know me well, have witnessed this. They’ve seen me take on high numbers of clients, mentees, volunteer work, other people’s emotions, learning new things, creating or changing processes, and overall, what has equated to a heavy load of caring for others.
And while I see this in myself, and honestly, love this about myself, I also see that I need to share the love…with me.
The awakening to really needing to take more ownership for my self-care and to create some down time came over a series of events from October through December of 2021.
First, was getting Covid in October. I consider my case to have been minor in comparison to many that were hospitalized or worse, but I was still very fatigued, achy, congested, and had severe vertigo, so just could not function well for about three weeks. Secondly, as my immune system started to really step up and I was beginning to recover, a very close friend fell aggressively ill with cancer. He passed away Thanksgiving night and it was just a brutal and unexpected series of events that were emotionally devastating. Lastly, there was a third, very personal family event that also took place in the midst of all of this. So, more mind, body and soul shaking. And when you have as much happen in a short period of time, it can cause you to take a bigger picture look down on life from a bird’s eye view. And as I did, the message that came loud and clear was, “something’s got to give…”
I heard it. I knew it. I felt it. However, I also have heard it before. So initially, I dismissed it, thinking this was just a rough patch as the year ended, and one of the exciting things on the positive side was an opportunity to submit a book proposal to Hay House, which was deeply important to me. It was due by December 15th and I’m grateful and proud to say it's done! Add in the holidays, family and traditions to both make and honor and well, there was a lot of bustle as 2021 closed. So, while I did make a few of the changes that my soul was calling for, I also made adds.
As all of this is in motion, and often in that flurry of “just keep going”, the idea of balance was not at all on the radar.
I could share of all the things that were regularly/typically on my calendar, which includes years in which there has not been a single week that wasn’t without many appointments, seven days a week. I could also share what I don’t add to my calendar, which is equally as full of importance, such as time with God in prayer and meditation, time with my beau, family time, workouts, making healthy meals, or any of the administration or household duties that come with everyday life and carry a high level of love and need for time.
So, as I looked at this bigger picture, one of the things that kind of surprised me, it shouldn’t have, but it did, was the old saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
You see, they say that one of the common responses to trauma is “busy”; Taking on too much, over-responsibility, keeping so many irons in the fire that you never see what you’re really burning. They say it’s about not making time to feel, and as a Trauma Specialist, and someone that’s done a significant deal of her own trauma healing work for over thirty years, I shouldn't say I didn’t see this. However, honestly, I didn’t’ see this! it’s only recently that I’ve reached a point in my own healing work that the Healer recognizes that there’s a new layer of healing to do… And it’s my “busy”.
It was the writing of the book proposal that started the inner awareness to surface, as I have been talking about writing a book for almost 40 years. FORTY! I stumbled upon a journal I’d written in my teens a few months ago. I wrote then quite similar to how I write now, and I wrote of being an author, of my love of writing, and the realization that I’ve not written a book in my own name yet, was kind of a rude awakening.
Firstly, it was a pretty humbling. As in, “man, have I dropped that ball”, and I was just disappointed in myself. Secondly, it was exciting, as in “Ok, so just adapt, adjust and do it.” “It’s not the first time you’ve been faced with reorganizing a few things to achieve a goal”. Mostly, it was about the puzzle of making the right changes, establishing what’s going on within my soul that’s held me back and just getting to it… And I love a good puzzle, even when it’s my own inner “stuff”.
I’m one of those that really believes in walking your talk. If I say I’m going to do something, I sincerely make the effort to do so. It’s part of what keeps me busy, but at the same time, it also keeps me accountable to honoring my word, and that includes promises I make to myself, as well as a promises to serve others in the work of helping them heal. However, I can’t be nearly as effective if I’m not willing to do my own work.
So, as those last few weeks of 2021 were in full motion of sidetracks, distractions and tough experiences, I really didn’t have much choice but to refocus my time and energy. I naturally just adapted to the circumstances, because I had to. And as 2022 is now in full swing, I see that I’ve kept some of those changes, and come to see a new perspective of what this new year may mean for my growth and evolution.
There’s some healing to do and I’m sure that it will make itself more clear as to what’s surfacing, but as of today, all I know it that “busy” needs addressing and balance is what I’m after. More is always revealed and as it is, I don’t mind sharing…
I’ve often, jokingly, used the term “that ever elusive balance” and I can’t say that if feels likes things are all set and easy, but I can say that just the fact that the awareness is there, I’m definitely on it. I’ve made some adjustments already that have had benefit and have a few more things that are under serious consideration as to what I need to do to really get closer. I’m not willing to over promise to myself or anyone else that I’ll “get it”, but I do know that this big picture mind of mine is on to something…
And because I’m a reader that likes to see how others are doing things, here’s a few of the steps I’ve taken to get more aligned with my 2022 intentions:
1/ I put my membership (The Light Fellowship) on hiatus in November. I had hoped to restart the live calls in February, but am choosing to keep this hiatus through at least March. I sure miss the interactions, insights and just connection, but let me just say that if anyone came in as a new member today, there are enough in the archives and recordings to keep them busy for at least a year’s worth of inspiration and insight!
2/ I’m cutting tv time. My beau and I love our series. We’ve followed many, and many have new seasons, but we’ve agreed to a limited tv time so there is more time for reading, talking, cooking together and overall more of the things that make our bond strong.
3/ I’m reading at night instead of scrolling. I have to be honest, this has been a tough adjustment. I used to crawl in bed at night, and to wind down, I’d check in on all those that I love and follow on social media, but I’m catching the wave of less social media, less screen time and more of what feeds my mind and my soul, and if you are aware of the benefits of less emf, well I’m serving my body too.
4/ I’m going to give time blocking a try again. This one is the hardest, as I haven’t worn a watch or set a wake-up alarm for almost 15 years (unless have an early flight to catch), so going back to a more regimented time management tool doesn’t feel good just yet. However, when I used it all those years ago in my corporate career, it was very effective, and I need some effectiveness in my life if I want to feel some of that “winning” energy I’m seeking.
5/ I gave up the gym membership. (Lol…I heard that, “Whaaaat?! The gym is good for you!”) I wasn’t using it enough because it felt like this huge burden to change clothes, drive there, spend an hour and then try to come back and focus… It was far more of a distraction than something I really utilized. I work from home, and in between sessions or when clients are wrapped at the end of the day, I do very intense 15-30 minute workouts almost daily and the time I’m saving by sweating in my own home has been awesome… I have weights, knowledge, a few YouTube hotties that I love, and finally, a bit of diligence to get to it, so for now, this suits the balance ideal and I feel good about it. If going back feels better over time, I'll go back.
So, here we go… The new year is off to a good start and hopefully, as more is revealed, there will be more insights to share that I am ever hopeful are helpful to you also. While I love writing, this blog is not just an effort to journal publicly. I sincerely hope the thoughts are helpful to YOU.
So… What’s your word for 2022? Do you have one? Has this made you consider what a word/intention for your year may be?
Please share…
Ever evolving and grateful,
Paula~
