In a few days, I'll be holding another Cellular Release Therapy Group Healing Session. This session will be addressing the topic of powerlessness and lack of control. Since I added this topic to the mix, I’ve had a few engaging conversations about powerlessness that inspired some clicking away at my keyboard… So, welcome back to my blog! It's been a bit since I've clicked away here.
When I think of the word powerless, it often takes me back to 1988. The first time I remember hearing the word was in a 12-step meeting. I was about 10 days sober, and the topic of the meeting was powerlessness. I was still in a bit of disbelief and humiliation that I was sitting in “one of those meetings”. I was 20 years old and my life felt completely off the rails due to my out-of-control drinking and drugging and the behavior that accompanied it.
I remember vividly sitting in that meeting and the topic being named. I didn’t like the word, and I really didn’t like the feeling it evoked. I couldn’t describe the feeling, as I'd spent the last eight years desperately running from any feelings, but I knew I didn’t like it.
However, if there ever was an accurate phrase to describe my relationship with the substances that I had abused, it was powerless. If a substance was put in front of me, regardless of what it was, I ingested it with hopes of some form of euphoria. Euphoria was not something I think I had ever experienced in my drinking and using, but it was definitely this elusive and delusional goal.
To give a little more context, let me share what step 1 of the 12 steps is: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (drugs, gambling, food, etc.) and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
To deepen the context if you’ve never read any of my blogs, my childhood was one of a great deal of trauma, abuse, and the conditioning to face it all with escapism into substances. There’s much to read about this in my other blog posts, but I’m sure you’ve heard similar stories, so I imagine you get the gist.
Back step one. It's a two-part step. One, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and (two) that our lives had become unmanageable". I could easily identify with that second part as to how unmanageable my life had become. I could literally feel the chaos in my soul, but I wasn’t entirely ready to admit that I was powerless over anything. I was employed, I had a place to live, a (very rickety) car to drive, and well, I was only 20 years old, so sitting in that stage of overconfidence by legally being and adult, and yet not too clued in at all as to who I was as a person. I’d spent the last eight years running from any form of emotion directly into any and every mode of escape I could find. And since most of those eight years were as a fairly unsupervised minor, needless to say, I was emotionally immature, lost, and misguided.
The one thing I did have going as I sat in that meeting is that I was willing. I was willing to learn more. I was willing to learn what these people knew that put this amazing light in their eyes. I was willing to do just about anything to stop hurting. I didn’t understand many emotions, but I knew I was hurting. I was not only feeling the dark chaos in my soul, but I was also very afraid of it.
I knew that the reckless way I was conducting my life would lead to severe consequences. I already felt incomprehensible demoralization, which is a common term in meetings that I learned well and knew intimately, but I also had some legal trouble, and was not physically, mentally, or emotionally healthy. So, I knew that what would come next was jail, illness, or death.
As I reflect back on this at the age of 55, with 35 years of sobriety and a boatload of inner healing work, I can clearly identify what a bleak existence my life was at the beginning of my sobriety journey, but also what a true time of awakening and amazing synchronicity. I felt this darkness deep within me, yet I also knew that I’d been saved by light. I knew that being picked up hitchhiking by the man that took me to my first meeting was divinely intended. I knew that the numerous close calls of life-threatening circumstances in which I came out literally unscathed, were not coincidental. I didn’t know much about God or spirituality then, but I knew that “something” bigger than me had led me here to this moment when I heard the very uncomfortable word “powerless”.
And when I spoke up in that meeting, with a weak attempt to defend my drinking and argue that I wasn’t powerless, something happened that I’ll never forget…
They laughed at me.
It was not only embarrassing, but it led me to want to learn more about WHY they were laughing. I wanted to better understand the word, as I didn’t get the joke.
So, here we are 35 years later, and here’s what I know…
My life at the time was one of very deep powerlessness over any substance or experience that would help me avoid feeling any semblance of emotion. I was powerless over emotion, people, circumstances, and substances. My every action was either impulsive or compulsive and with very little care about the outcome, the consequences, or the effect on others. And in my very rare clear-headed moments, I would feel deep shame and guilt, as I did care for those that I’d hurt, and I cared that I was not making good choices, but I had no idea how to amend it or stop the destructive acts that kept me in the throes of my alcoholism and selfish behavior.
I know that because of the willingness to listen, to learn, and to take action to heal my life, I not only gained power over substances, but I gained a Higher Power that has kept me on the path to deeper healing, deeper awakening, and most rewardingly, a walk of helping others do the same
I know that my substance abuse was but a symptom, that the roots of my substance abuse and escapism were about hundreds of experiences of powerlessness over circumstances, people, and too many moments of the rug getting pulled out from under me to count. I know that facing these roots and healing the impact of them has been the key to a healthier life of feeling grounded, peaceful in my own skin and experiencing more trust, joy, and gratitude for life than many that I know and love.
I also know that powerlessness is a pattern or theme that hundreds of those whom I’ve been so honored to help have experienced. They too have had numerous circumstances that were out of their control, and like me, this led to a need for control in their lives as a means to the end.
I used to joke about what a “control freak” I was. The stress, pressure and expectation I would put on many circumstances and events was draining. But as I’ve healed so many of these soul wounds and roots of powerlessness, it’s not as much so now. I can’t say I’m cured, as honestly, I’m not sure anyone ever gets quite that immortal, but I can say that I’m far more at ease with whatever circumstances come in life these days and I breathe a lot better.
I can accept no for an answer. I can let go, most of the time, and I have this unwavering belief that every tough moment has purpose and value. I still don’t like when things do go as I want them to, but I do grow from these moments and I trust them. I have for many years now. In fact, today, I offer some immense gratitude for a ton of things that didn’t go my way.
So, I offer you this… If you’ve experienced some of the same powerlessness that I reference above, within your own actions or the actions of others that have left an impact, and you know that you could use some healing, then dig. Dig in to identify and heal or release the hold of these events. And if you need some help, let me know. Reach out and know that I’m here. And my beautiful circle of ladies that do the same type of healing work that I do, are here too. We are able and have faced many of the same things you have, and we each have our own story of healing, evolving, awakening, and growing beyond so much of it.
There is a path to being light, free, and secure in this life gig. And if you need a few lampposts to guide your feet along the way, any one of us would be honored to help you put them in place.
With love,
Paula~
